Some childhood memories don’t just fade. They take root. And over time, they quietly shape how we show up in the world, especially when it comes to using our voice.
One client shared a memory with me. A simple school spelling bee. She made a mistake, and what stayed with her wasn’t the error itself but the cold, disappointed look on her mother’s face. That brief moment etched itself into her memory. It told her: Your voice is not safe here.
Years later, she still remembered. The shame. The silence. The sting of that gaze.
As I sat with her story, I paused on the word “bee.” It echoed something deeper: “BE.” And it hit me. What if speaking up isn’t just about having the right words? What if it’s about permission to be?
Most of us weren’t allowed to simply be when we spoke. Not to say anything reckless or cruel, but to speak from the inner place where our brilliance lives. That quiet glow inside us. The voice that brings truth into the room. Not to dim ourselves to fit in, but to shine as we are.
That’s where the healing begins.
Why It Matters: How Tiny Moments Teach Us to Stay Silent
This matters to me because I lived it. I was that child who stayed quiet. Even after becoming a psychologist, my voice still trembled. It took years of deep work to speak from a place of truth, not fear. That’s why I help others find their voice, not as a performance, but as a return to self.
The spelling bee moment wasn’t just about childhood. It became a blueprint. In just a few seconds, a deep message was planted: “It’s not safe to mess up. It’s not safe to be seen.” And those messages don’t stay in the past. They grow with us. They show up in ways like:
- Saying yes when you want to say no
- Shrinking your opinion in meetings
- Avoiding eye contact when emotions rise
- Holding your breath before speaking
These moments create quiet internal rules like “don’t be too much,” “stay quiet,” or “only speak when you’re sure you’ll get it right.” Over time, we don’t just fear being wrong, we fear being real. And that’s when the voice begins to fade, filtered through perfectionism, anxiety, or performance.
The Shift: From Performance to Presence
Many people try to fix their speaking fears by working on the outside:
- Memorizing scripts instead of learning to speak authentically from within
- Piling on techniques without ever addressing the underlying fear
- Pretending to be confident instead of cultivating real self-trust
- Copying others’ styles instead of finding their own voice
- Relying on performance instead of grounding themselves in presence
But here is the truth: speaking isn’t just a skill. It’s an expression of self.
The moment your voice starts to rise isn’t when you step onto the stage. It’s when you stop silencing yourself inside. You don’t need to become someone else to be heard. You need to become more of who you already are.
How to Begin Healing Your Voice
If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation thinking, “I should have said something,” this work is for you.
You don’t have to do this alone. I’ve walked this path. And I’ve guided others through it. Every voice that feels stuck has a story behind it. And every story deserves a space to be heard: gently, safely, and powerfully.
Try this as a starting point:
- Recall the memory that made you go quiet. Not to relive it, but to observe it.
- Notice the emotions that come up, shame, fear, regret, and hold them gently.
- Ask yourself: What did I need in that moment that I didn’t receive?
- Imagine offering that now. Comfort. Encouragement. Permission to be human.
- Repeat this process as you recognize how often your silence was self-protection, not failure.
You Are Not a Performance
That spelling bee is long over. But what it revealed—a need to feel safe, to be seen, to be—still lives in many of us.
Your voice was never lost. It was waiting.
Waiting for the moment it could come forward without fear. Without shrinking. Without needing to prove or perfect anything.
Because the truth is, your voice didn’t disappear. It adapted. It learned when to stay quiet, how to keep you safe. And now, it’s time to unlearn the silence.
When your voice rises again, it won’t need to be loud to be powerful. It will simply be real.
And you don’t have to get there alone.
The silence didn’t form in isolation. It was shaped in rooms, in moments, in relationships. Which means healing needs a space that feels the opposite: safe, steady, and fully yours. That’s what I want for you.
If you’re ready to find your voice, not just speak louder, but speak as yourself, reach out through the contact page or send a message.
You don’t need perfect words. You just need a beginning. Your voice is ready when you are.